no longer do i knw what i've been doing is wrong or right... no longer do i knw if i'm going thru pain or pleasure... sure, it's easy to make it sound that when there's smt undone, u hv to settle it. cos it's only right u hv to pull urself back up and solve ur own probs...

has this all been MY fault? has it been me the one SCREWING things up bad? hv i been the bitch? hv i been the one who's being two-faced? i think all these... the answers are... yes... im nt gg to wallow in self-pity.. that's nt who im gg to be... im just admitting to what , on my part, i've did wrong...

things sometimes that happen nt within ur control.. emotions and feelings wavering when every little detail in ur life takes place.. ppl arnd u... pressure put on by many factors... family, studies, frens...

false hopes... misunderstanding... twist of words... all so powerful. all so scary. all so harmful. i didnt think things will turn out this way... & guess it's partially in my character... making things... from bad.. to worse... hurting ppl...

ok... scold me as much as u want.. im nt worth u being upset over... i mean it... if u're so hurt by me... might as well curse me for what i've done... cos i dunno hw else i can make it up to u before it goes back to what it was... im nt those kind who can handle these situation well.. & usually, i'll be a coward, crawling back.. BEGGING for forgiveness... but bev has grown... she knws where's the limit.. when it has to stop.. when SHE has to stop hurting ppl... so i dun seek forgiveness anymore... i only hope that u'll carry on... call me selfish... thinking for myself & nt for u... cos this is as much as i can do. but inside... if u really knw me ... ... ... u wldn't hv interpreted what i said that way... and u will knw what intentions i hv now... it's alright... to be mad at me... it's alright... if u wanna hate me...

im starting to miss things... miss the way it was... miss the way i thought it could be... why? maybe cos there's something lacking inside now... thinking back... things weren't as bad as i thought they were... i guess that's what time does... make ppl regret the slightest of things... make ppl wonder why it turned out this way...

i wanna be better off... i wanna look to the future.. but is it my fault i've started thinking about the past? i've nv made things clear before... and im nt sure whether im fretting about it now either... all i knw is... i miss it... i miss...u...

maybe it's just a moment... maybe... it's a scar... im not sure either... i can only hope things will get better... =) i want to heal... probably this now is just a phase... and will soon be over... maybe what i think is lacking will soon be filled up... things probably just take time...

so my job now? ignore all these... live my life... to the fullest.... love those i hv arnd me... care for myself more... think for everyone along the way.. =) maybe all will be better...

Labels: to feel but unable to express is the worst pain

The Gemini Personality is ruled by the planet Mercury making them quick witted, verbose, intelligent and intellectual. Gemini’s element is air and is mutable. Gemini personalities are like the restless wind and always on the go. They can be hard to pin down or made to give a commitment. Their twin like personality is like two people making them changeable and inconstant.

Gemini energy is bright and breezy but also superficial and inconsiderate - Mercury the Trickster never let anyone's feelings stop him telling a good joke. The Gemini person is subtle but full of flighty energy.

i will...

keep learning hw to live my own life
learn how to be stronger
learn to accept things the way as they are
try to learn to sometimes HACK things
learn to love myself more
not stop learning to improve
try to learn how to make best and right decisions

ALWAYS LEARN... AND KEEP LEARNING...

wanting this but missing out on that... no one can get the best of both worlds... im just like everyone else... im greedy... i want a little bit of everything ... but can u say that's wrong? it isn't... it's not the right way.. but it's definitely NOT wrong...

studies is smt i hv to catch up on... im lagging behind... and it's smt that i shldn't be THE MOST... dance is smt i wanna work on... im not close to being 'there' yet... and i hv to really put in my own time and effort as nobody can do it for me! recently... i felt i've been caught up in so many webs, both of what i want are getting further away.. of cos i cant be selfish saying that it's just me gg thru all these cos i knw, im not... in fact... i knw there are some others gg thru worse


but.. so what? there may be times i will be put to the bottomest... and it may hurt.. and may be, i'll cry a lil... but even so... i've gotta put myself together... as there are so much more that matters & so much more to do... =) so all i can promise myself is that i will only get stronger, braver, and succeed better... things may fall apart.. but being able to face it and try to put things back tgt... that's the most courageous of all!!!

Labels: bev has to stay strong

just got a sony cybershot cam today.. =) white one.. happy about it.. haha... =P thanks to grandpa!!!

anyway... some things are getting really in my way... but... i will try not to let them get to me.. although it has alr...


these are just certain 'moments' i took on my new cam.. haha... =)

Labels: looking forward to smiles again

it's about 4 plus in the morn.. but why am i still here blogging? haha... gd qn... =) im too lazy to think of an ans also... so... =)

anyway... i think grandpa's gonna bring me to get a new camera tmr! =) haha... than i can hv more pics posted on my blog!!! =D and more memories... can't wait... =P

u can say... i've been kinda down today... like... go arnd the house.. nt knowing what im thinking... what im doing... like u just do what ur mind tells u to do at that specific time... -.- like part of ur mind is numb and all... maybe is that i hvnt much recovered from what happened... but... im sure all will get better... but for now... i just do feel... numb... or maybe lacking towards smt? or maybe it's just a like monday blues or smt... haha....

all i knw now is that.. i can no longer wry anyone about what happens in my life... i hv to learn to cope with it... =) and... i AM trying to love myself more... =) no one likes a person who doesnt love themselves... so im learning... hard =)

Labels: no longer know whether to smile or cry

all along... i've been the one protecting others... all those i care for and love... i hv to be strong ... for them.. to knw that i'll be there... i like to protect them... it makes me feel... i'm someone that they need and can depend on... i like the feeling of protecting...

there things in life that keep happening... due to unforseen circumstances... and usually... when it happens, i wld like to be the one.. trying to clear the storm in the front. although i dun ask for anything in return... what i get in return is the feeling that i can protect.. that im strong... =)

i want this to continue.. i want my frens to knw.. i can and will protect them... =) ... ... ...

but... who's going to protect... me?

i think i've really gotta be more independent in certain ways... i think i've really been too dependent that i can rely ALOT on others that i forgot my life is still mine... afterall, no one wants to live 2 lives since one is tiring enough... haha...

some things, i still hv to take time to figure out... not push all onto myself.. but that's diff... i need to figure what i hv to settle on my own too...

it's not gd to drag others down with what u're feeling, what u're going thru... so it's time. =)

since this time, it's already this way... i hope in future, it'll nt happen the same way again... and i've gotta try to learn.. standing on my own in certain ways...

haha... gosh today went to another round of K.O. NIGHT!!! whoo~hoo!!! omg!!! really got to see UP FRONT BATTLES!!! haha... and... just wanna say....

CONGRATULATIONS TO WHITE T!!! =D
haha.. and all the rest really did a GREAT job too!!!

of cos... really feel that wah... must work harder man... but like... haha.. enjoyed myself at ko night today =)

haha... and guys... IM NOT EMO!!!
cos...
beverly is strong! yeah~

today was the FB junior orientation!!! kinda happy that it went quite smoothe.. and i'm VERY HAPPY with the new batch of juniors.. cos they're really open!! they are a rowdy bunch of ppl but so warm bunch too!!! no need scared like no response! haha... and they had fun!!! WHOOHOO~~~ lol.... that's the best part... ok... MOST of them had fun...lol

i guess... everything worked out fine.. maybe not great and definitely far from best... but.. haha... gd enough! and it'll only get better... although the juniors cant wait for their 1st prac... neither can i! i looking forward to it too! LOL... yeah...

and i wanna be the best i can be... i wanna be friendly and approachable... i dun want to be thought as some1 who u'll be scared to approach.. hope things work out... and =) i want to change for the better.. in other factors also... =) cos all of us are stronger and better than we think!

haha... whoohoo~ although i am envious of juniors cos it's more carefree... but... life has its cycle... i will make the best out of it!

Labels: FB = DOPE

i have no idea why... suddenly everything runs thru my mind... over and over again... worries, problems, doubts. it feels that whatever i fear, will just haunt me... no matter how i try to clear them away... there's a sudden chill in the back... a fear that i'll nv get out of this darkness...

there's a longing to break free of it... i want to be able to solve everything.. i wanna be able to handle everything coming my way. i wanna be able to make everything work out successfully.. but there are some things.. not of anyone's control instead.. it takes more than just what i can do. it takes what WE can do... but.. who r 'WE'? sigh...

i am apologetic to whatever i've said or done wrong.. & i really am just trying to put in my best. but who really sees what i'm trying to do? i dun ask for ANY recognition, but just seek for cooperation.

although it does feel like im putting more weight than im supposed to on my shoulders... it doesnt bother me as long as things work out right. not for myself,definitely... as long as everyone enjoys themselves, enjoy what they're doing, feels that they did a gd job, what else can i say? that's all i hope for.

im not tryin' to be all noble and all.. cos im not.. i am a selfish person.. but there's a reason why im troubled.. that's all i can say...

Labels: just too tired sometimes

omg... like all the things all dropping down onto my shoulders at once.. i knw i shld throw everything onto myself but it's so darn difficult!!! in a way.. it IS my fault... it can't be denied.... sigh...

i think i gotta get myself prepared to tiok meh(get scolded) tmr alr... -.- sian... but... i dun wanna fail in doing anything.. i wanna get all these solved the best way possible... but... how? haha... gd qn... i'll do my best... may no one doubt me in that i hope... but i hope i'll hv the support behind me as im not doing all these for myself... gosh... i still feel like everything's my fault... bleh... and i dun want others to take responsibility and blame for sth i was also responsible(in a way) for...! sigh... i guess we'll see how everything goes tmr... =S URGH!!! THIS SUCKS!!! BIG TIME!!!

i wanna dance... dance... and dance! i wanna live in my own world... forget of worries out there... but... realistically?.....

i knw i promised to be strong... and only get stronger.. but im sorry as i really hv this sudden ache inside. i dunno why and dunno how to explain it either.. there's no main reason for it.. but it's just a build-up and bits of everything piling up together...



nt wanting to hide or deny anything...i broke-down a lil... and i didn't want to .... at all.. but smt inside just triggered and the waterworks just started a bit... A BIT... nt as if i made a big scene in front of myself -.- i hv no idea why... but i knw... it's something that's just bothering me for now... =) i'll definitely switch back to strong beverly mode... cos bev IS strong! stronger than what alot of ppl think.. =D no longer is it just a happy-go-lucky thing.. but i AM stronger!!!



forgive me for breaking my promise for just this moment... but i will get over with whatever this is... and dun ask me what's wrong... cos i wont knw hw to actually answer u... haha.. but i just knw... i am stronger than this.. and no matter how this may affect me... i'll grow out of it!



i am not an emo person... neither an attention seeker... i only seek to be a stronger person! haha.. =D bev will do better... bev will be stronger... bev will be ok =D

Labels: just a moment...all will be better

THE GOOFY MOMENTS WITH AUD BABY!!! *MUACKS!!!*

she wanted me to smile with teeth.. so i did! a spastic smile at that!!! haha

christie trying to get close to me! HAHAHA

i didn't knw they took this shot!!! i think i trying to do wave or sth...than the person behind me make me look as if i hv 3 arms or sth -.-

another pic i didn't knw anyone took... but i like this one ALOT... haha.. it's me.. in deep thoughts =D

MORE PICS ON CLUB CRAWL 08!!!

join the junkai-fanclub!!! haha... (isn't he just SOOOOOO SUPPEEERRR CUTE?!)

haha.. qian shou guan yin LIVE!!!

pretending to be emo...

haha.. dun think we sit like that one row like very easy very fun... haha... that place VERY DUSTY!!!

YEAH MAN!!! FB ROCKS!!! BIG TIME!!!

I LOVE FB!!! haha...

lately... some things happened out of my control and of cos i'm upset about it.. but i dun wanna be the person who drags everyone down with me... i wanna be strong... i saw everybody's happy expressions... and i was thinking... if i'll be the one who pulls a long face.. being sad wherever i go .. in whatever i think... that's not the way i want things to be.. so i'll be strong....

gdbye yuanxiang... it was my pleasure of getting to knw u as a classmate... and as a friend... we'll all miss you... and from this... we'll all grow stronger... i think u were so brave... of being able to hold on... and i am indeed so proud of u! =) thanks for everything u did.. or u didnt =D although new memories will come...but we'll nv forget old memories with u... the gd memories we had... =) and now.. u are in a better place.... & we'll see each other again... =) gdbye...

so... after the tjc performance, some of us went to chill at pasir ris park... wow!!! we had so much fun! haha... i wanted to throw all my sadness aside and just be happy and i did! we played games and drank...we went to the playground and did so many stupid things!!! we took tonnes of goofy photots! [will post pics of it when jezz babe sends me =D] than later went jezz's house... =D haha... reach there everybody seh alr... haha... all fell aslp super fast -.- lol... than all slping that time all so funny =D haha... than woke up only at 12nn... lol... wah... and i think it's both smt gd and horrible to slp on the floor... i dunno hw to explain also.. but my blood stopped flowing a few times cos i leaned one side to zzz..... haha... but really, i think fb shld hv more of this kinda outtings... dopeshit! lol...

peace...

Labels: bev has to stay strong