人啊……总会遇到很多挫折。无论是工作上，或感情方面，都是难免的。但……我这次真的是不知道下一步该怎么走了。我想，‘他’不知道，永远也不会知道。这也应该是让人最心疼的地方吧。

我讨厌我在感受到的感觉，但也喜欢和珍惜我们之间所拥有的。很妙呗？哈哈……但我也不知道该怎么形容了。*叹* 我这次，搞砸了！我完了，完了完了！

我知道，维持着现在这样的气氛也比较好……

人，为什么可以想那么多呢？
为什么心可以那么乱？
想放弃却放不下。
受伤了，却说不出口，还刻意隐瞒，装作没事。
本来就不行了，却总是要逞强。

人的心，本来就是脆弱的。但我不能表现出那一面。博取同情，是没用的。自己可怜自己，更没用吧。

我不知道我应该怎么去应付我的感觉和情况了。但总觉得，时间一直不停的过，机会也看起来，越来越小。我最深的心处应该是知道没什么可能，但就是无法掌控。一个复杂的感觉为绕着我，让我喘不过气来。慢慢的，慢慢的，仿佛，被吞没了。

现在，没有人能救得了我了。唯一能救我的，应该只有……我自己……
请你……不要给我任何希望。虽然你不知道，但有些举动，让我承受不起。对不起…真的…对不起。

the only thing than nv changes in life.. is change... so is change good? well... sometimes... right? haha.... things always either change for the better, or worse...

our grp scrapped off the last choreo again.. haha.. nw we're doing sth more hip-hop.. i think... this is for the better too... cos now it feels more like a finale... =) ok... so we're gonna work on it tmr... and drill the day after... and after... and after... till the comp date on sun!! =D


oh yar... so the competition itself is on sun if i hvnt posted it on my blog... the comp will be held at VivoCity Amphitheatre.. it'll start at 3:30pm and my crew's the 15th item... but guess it's gonna be quite fast cos there won't be any intervals btw performances... and each grp has only 3mins... so.. yar.. -.-" whoo~ now thinking about it... it's like super near... haha... =P scary thing is... ALL fb crews will be on sunday!! ah... =( sad...


anyway.. hope for the best for ALL crews.. if more than 1 crew can get into finals.. i happy alr... doesn't need to by my own crew... haha... so... go fb juniors!! let's do this gd!


ok... will just stop here... =) gg to slp.. like king kong baby here.. haha.. just took this nt long ago.. he's super cute can!! can't get enough of him =D

i feel like my heart's been put far away. stored in a refridgerator or sth... i, can't really feel it, but yet i knw, it's pain, of coldness. if i bring it out for heating, it'll just get cold again. so why bother? of cos, i dun want it to be this way. but im so tired... of hving to heat it up, keep it warm. make sure it doesnt go cold again. if i hv to do so much, i'd really rather leave it frozen.

lately, i hv no idea what's wrong with me. i'm... abit like hw i was before. i smile. but, im nt happy.. i just dun wanna show the pain. i mean, what for? so i can wallow in self-pity? or gain pity from others? sigh...

i knw, a part of me and my heart is being looked after. im nt refering to that part. i guess... that part of my has been locked up... for too long that i dun even knw me anymore... and everyday... i just go about... pretending nothing happen.. that everything's gonna be ok.... it can be a painful yet blissful thing... pain cos i putting up a front and blissful cos i dun need to wry about this. i dunno what to do anymore....

would anyone bother showing me directions?
take the pain away?
give me back a happy me?
can someone... warm my heart?

finally got my hair cut! haha... and i covered the red streaks... just feel like hving a new look now. but, i guess everyone's gotta get used to it.. it's not VERY diff from before.. but, i think it looks better nw.. and my hairstylist cut my hair in a way that i can style it easier too!!! haha.. =D happy! =) nw i dun need to THINK so much when i wanna wax my hair up =D haha...

anw, just to share some pics i took! =)

haha... who to say gdbye to? lol.. just the last sem tutors & lecturers!!! haha... happy that my papers are all over!!! now can be more relaxed and JUST stress on dance.. lol.... well... i guess im nt really worried of danceworks now... i sorta.. grew kinda numb to it... seeing what other grps are gg thru.. what MY grp is gg thru... well.. nth much to say either.. all i can say is... all we can do now is really go full-speed ahead. =) what im really worried abt ... is what's AFTER danceworks i guess.... having us to turn into seniors soon... i'm worried.... really! i mean, i really dun wish to disappoint seniors or whatever.. -.- so... we just gotta make it work!

haha... actually, just got back home half an hour ago... cos like accompany christie for more than 3hrs cos she was in a bad mood... than we just hang at macs till ryu and xiaohei came join us... than we just talked... about dance, funny things... haha... i think quite fun to hang with them lar...

sigh... than suddenly, i thought abt that qn again... on which dance/s i wanna focus on when in my senior yr.. i mean, i dun wanna just japalang learn everything in bits and pieces. not saying that that's a bad thing... but still... i wanna focus on sth! well.. i alr knw that it won't be house, nor locking, nor lyrical... haha.. cos these are just NOT my thing... i WAS thinking of L.A. hiphop(but i didnt like it at FIRST), or reggae, punking? what else?? i dunno alr... i really hope to go open class soon, than hopefully can get my ans from there... sigh... but for now, guess im just a basic beginner to hip hop... haha... cos i really dunno what's my strength now... =S even after comments by seniors, im... not sure.. haha... so i gotta really find some time to think about it.. HAHA.... but it would really help if there was a lil guide or push... but.. sometimes, i knw i knw, gotta do things urself... sigh... i WILL find out ONE DAY.. haha... but for now... =)

it's super sinful.. i mean, i still do hv one paper left.. yet i'm in a holiday mood alr... anyway.. these are pics of a typical day in the tan's house... haha...

till next time when i hv more photos! ciao!

end

it seems like things are more and more out of reach...
the hole, seems to hv grown deeper... wider....
i can't say that i'm sad about it...but yet im not glad either...
but... it feels... empty...numb... nt that that is a bad thing...

i guess i've just got mixed up feeling right now...
why r u making me feel this way? why?

i realised that we ask whys everyday in our lives...
but so what if we hv all the answers?
what then? truthfully, I wouldn't knw what to do if i had the answers.

gosh...
now.. still like stuck in the midst of my exams and here i am.. doing stupid things.
like thinking about stuff i'm NOT supposed to...
and i knw she's having a hard time too.

i really wanna protect her... i dun want her to bare anymore hurt.
seeing her hurt, sad, in pain is like hving someone reaching for my heart and squeezing it.
and on top of that... i actually do hv my own worries..
but thk gdness my worries cause numbness instead of pain.
so i'll feel the pain when she feels it...
that's y, i want her to be happy... always

i'll always be here for u... i assure u...
i knw u'll nv leave me... maybe, one day u'll find the right person.
but u'll always be part of my life. and i'm in urs... =)
till then
i just wanna protect u. so much...
i just want us, to hv each other.and be happy with that. may it be for now only.
i want for us, to always say 'hello's and nv 'goodbye's...

i admit... that im selfish... =)
i want u...
and i want so much for u...
and so much for us...
am i too greedy?
how much can a person hv?
no matter how much it is... i hope that it's for the better of us.
i love u

i see an opportunity oncoming... i'll go ahead and grab it. especially if it's something i WANT and hv confidence in... =) i await the arrival of tmr... i will put in my best effort... i'll stay strong even when faced with the worst... but what made up for it is really that hope and window of opportunity. nothing starts of easy.. nothing really will be spoonfed... so why not just pluck up some courage and go for it?

i was nv a self-confident person... for a period of time, and even a bit now, i still am not one... but what triggered me to do this? Hope... =) that's really all i can say... it won't be easy... and im not hoping for the BEST out of it... but for now... i hope to hang in as long as i can =)

p.s. thx to all those who are giving me their support.. =) i hope that i won't disappoint u guys! =) muacks!

ok... so i just decided to bring this up... dun ask why cos u won't get an answer... =)

when it comes to the word 'love'... i think it's become so often used that we forget what's love... so i've looked back at the traditional chinese words and u'll really see why chinese really can mean alot...


on the left is the simplified chinese writing 简体中文. and the word is the word 'love' in chinese. which is also "爱"... the circled word "友" means 'friendship'. and just simply just that...

on the RIGHT is the traditional chinese writing 繁体中文. same word... different way of writing... cos this word has been simplified over the yrs... the circled one on in this word is "心".. which also means 'the heart'...

that's y even though i dun really knw hw to write in traditional chinese, i hv a tendency to write the traditional way when it comes to this word, 'love'... cos to me.. i feel that somehow or rather.. it makes a diff...

isn't it amazing? the way chinese can play about with the meaning of a word? =) so.. hope by what i post, u'll get what i mean even if i dun say it out directly... =)

life's just full of new things to find out everyday... it's just whether u want/bother to or not...

Labels: meaning of 'love'

it's the 14th of feb again... haha... another commercialised occasion which entrepreneurs create to earn extra chi-ching! haha... but happy valentine's ANYWAY!! to all those who have and don't have someone to spend it with!!! whoo~hoo!!! =)

in life.. there are like SOO MANY perhaps... ifs... etc. but some of them, can be turned into reality.. some can only remain as a thought. nv brought to reality...

in my previous post, there is the lyrics to a chinese song that speaks of how i feel lately... there is a line that i think really jumped out.. and means alot.. to me... "有种爱叫远远关心". i guess it's ok for it to be this way too... it's better than nothing i guess... but, that doesnt mean it's worst off... this can still be a way of loving, caring and the best way for everyone...

another line that i think impacts and reflects me a lot is "我讨厌命运骄傲的神情, 嘲笑我没半点权利决定". some times, things just happen and although u hate it that u hv no control, u fall deep into the trap still... it's weird. it nv makes sense. but isnt that just how we like it too.. guess the world would be boring if we KNEW everything and to us, everything was predictable and make sense... lol... the irony...

but.... this doesnt mean i shouldn't look forward to each day... (u thought me that =) ) so... i'll still carry on with what i hv to do. live up to expectation. and not be brought down by what im troubled with... =) after all... 远远关心就够了... as long as i can care for u, distance wont be a concern, i'm happy with that... one day, i hope to be able to let it go. but till then, i want the best... not just for me... for everyone...

my sis and i practically stayed home ALL day today.. so we watched this old film recommended my moma.. haha... if u've watched before.. i would think it's rather touching... and dustin hoffman's really ONE of my all-time fave actors.. haha... i still rmb him in Outbreak... my first dustin hoffman movie.. lol... super nice.. but i was like dunno how old when i first watched it.. now i still rmb but like been a long time since i did... haha... oh well... ! that's all for today.. movie of my week...

ok.. went with rui, kenny, justin and sandra to look arnd for our danceworks costume today.. like.. only justin benefited from this trip la can?! haha... in the end.. we see see.. nv really bought anything... but we like know what we hv to get... so most likely getting it ourselves... ha... -.-

that's y wasnt really a beneficial to us.. in the end.. but i saw this high-cut nike shoes i totally sorta fell in love with.. but.. i dun think i'll be getting new shoes at the moment.. but it was like totally the colour i was looking for sia!!! i mean... brown base... NYLON ORANGE laces...!!! whoo-hoo!!! see alr high.. haha

well.. although didnt really shopped for ANYTHING today... i gt to bond a bit with grp members OUT of sch.. HAHA... ok... whatever.. im just trying to console myself to make up for the point that i didnt get anything.. but actually.. i totally wasnt in a shopping mood today.. sigh... dunno y either... -.-

gosh.. i miss aud baby like crazy.. and we cant even meet up in the afternoon today.. sigh... =( sad.... but i'm sure we'll be able to spend time tgt like crazy during the hols... =D looking forward!!! wee~

an oxymoron... 幸福 meaning happy, blessed... 痛 meaning pain. a contradicting 2-phrase catch put together to form exactly what im feelin now.

it's not impossible... i feel both.. and both rather strongly... well... i wont really further illustrate my scenario.. but... i feel that blogs are meant to let the owner say out what he/she feels... ya, it's personal and blogs.. although r online journals, but still to a certain extent... aren't considered personal nor private... but this is really how i feel... and if u've been thru what i am nw... im sure u'll understand what i mean to be feeling happy yet pain at the same time... =)

true that it's nt a pleasant feeling... but yet... u cant get away from or deny it... which.. partially sucks.. yet feels warming... sigh.. let's just say.. that feeling makes u feel like u are caught in between heaven and hell... like... no where actually... u dunno what or how to feel... u dunno what or how to think.. u just.. are lost... u hope for directions to be given... but yet no true or clear direction can lead u to the destination u want... so... it's a total lost feeling... -.-

just hoping... that my i will faster find whether is it a real pain that scars me.. or will it be just a scratch after all... shrug.. future's not written... that's the amazing part... yet the scariest as well..

i suddenly miss u A LOT... A LOT... A LOT....

when can we meet up again?

i miss u...

tears aren't necessarily bad... it's because u care... u FEEL ... u hope for the better... that's why u cry. tears don't really trigger from no where. although there will be numerous times that u cry for no reason, but it's still cos u feel... something...

but tears shouldn't be flaunted. nor used for self-pity.. that's what i've learnt. but it's definitely PERFECTLY OK to cry.. =) but what's important, is to climb back up... =) well, as i've said, tears aren't necessarily bad... but after crying... what lies ahead.. is more to cry for... so dry ur eyes, and lift ur head up...

im happy, that i still cry.
im glad, i still weep.
im thankful, of the teary moments to remember.

in future, i look forward to drown in my tears of sorrows happiness.

haha.. just stayed home all day today lol... and spent time with kingkong and mummy... and sis sis who came home rather early today... =)

and these are some funny pics i caught!!! haha...

haha.. went to bai nian with ah ma, ah gong and daddy today.. =D ok.. although this yr's input less than past few yrs... BUT i think it's alot alr!!! considering that im like turning almost young adult.. haha.. i mean.. im sure children get more money than older teens lor... -.- dunno why either =P

anyway... camwhored like crazy today cos not often i get to put on THICK make-up.. HAHAHA!!! ok... usually ppl dun say out they put thick make-up.. but .. IT'S TRUE!! see the pics below and u'll get it! ha!

haha...

sis sis and me!!!

my ah gong and me... gg to next destination