havin' some fun???



and just tryin' out to edit some pics... =D ok... im not all that good and all... just playin' arnd...

nowadays... things are getting harder and harder... being yourself is no longer good enough... what then? what do we need to satisfy ourselves?

my worries and thoughts are piling up... crumbling down... only waiting for the moment for me to snap... hm... but i knw... i shldn't be this way. no reason to... so i know i'll be ok... or at least for now...

not wanting to be a drama queen or whatever... but we all have our own problems sometimes... or smthg playing arnd with our minds... waiting for disintegration to take place... but i won't let my prob turn out to be another's problem... and neither would i wanna involve myself in others'...(unless it involves me of cos)...

life... it's our own... so... being myself... is it not enough? or... was bev... wrong?

sometimes.... where we wanna be.. is not where we belong... and that's the way things are... but not going against this... might not actually be bad! =) it may not be what u want, but it'll make things better...

silence and care is all i can give now. im not going to try to force something out of it. i'll accept things as they come. take in what's necessary ... to give out what others need... =)

i 'want' too... but what's best... is what i want even more.
cos things can't always go my way...

be grateful...
of what you have
of what you receive
of who you have
that... you live =)

i wanna thank You... for giving me multiple chances & opportunities in this life. the talents You've given to me... is not something i asked for... but is a gift You gave to me. so these talents are not for me to flaunt... but for me to thank You for giving it to me... by putting in my ALL when i do what i do... =)

as You have NEVER let me down... i won't either... i just wanna thank You for what i have... and that's why.. now i feel like nothing bothers me when i do what i love best... =) and that's possible... only cos of You... =)

thank You...

i really really miss the sound of a guitar's plucking & strumming... hm... i've like tried to played a bit these past few days... BUT... MAN! i suck!!! haha... i can't like strum properly... (ok.. ya cos i nv really practised or learnt properly -.- good job bev)

hm... anyone out there knows how to play a guitar? or like free to play or me? =) haha... i just really wish to hear that sound again... cos it really soothes me... brings me back to somewhere i miss a lot... i dun need singing... i JUST want the guitar... =D yeah.. haha... hm... if there's a song with it... lol. i dun mind! =D

it's music that soothes my soul

ok... this is my mum's WISE saying...
"一双好的鞋，穿了不会痛，只会让人心痛，因为会很贵。"
translated:
"a pair of good shoes shouldn't cause pain to the feet, but to the heart, 'cause... EXPENSIVE."

ya-huh... so sad BUT true... gosh... why is she like right all the time!!!??? hm... ok... hw we got to this topic was... she was complaining that i can't wear the same shoe everyday to dance... cos... my shoes are starting to STINK!!! ya... so she was like telling me to get a pair of new dance shoes to rotate... -.- easy for HER to say cos she wasn't gg to be the one who's gonna PAY for it!!! sigh...

BUT... nonetheless... i took in her advice... and yes... i AM gg to get a new pair of dance shoes... PLUS... WHITE base... cos... =_= for production also ... so it's like.. kill 2 birds with 1 stone... yup...

but... SAVING, PPL!yes... if ANYONE.... anyone AT ALL... who wants to donate to the "Beverly's Shopping Spree Fund", it's up for donations now! =) cash is good ppl! no need cheque.. no need call! just GIVE... YEAH! =D

oh well.. ok.. im nt gonna like daydream here... so... ya.. but i WILL get new shoes soon.. -.- dun wanna start stinking up my house... -.- byebye phone! hm... lol...

so much to buy... so little to spend... =( aiy... guess... that's... what's that word again... oh ya... LIFE!!!

uploaded some pics... some recent.. some... i forgot to put up awhile ago... =P

with gina's new hair! heh... i got the privilege to catch her new hair on photo

uncle justin's hand gesture... -.- just nice sia.. haha dope

i hope to wake up tmr without thinking about it anymore... i wanna live where i can just be me... somewhere i exist... not somewhere i think i exist...

i hope to wake up tmr with no worries... that the truth hurts.. that the truth is not justified... nor is it fair to everyone...

was i at fault? is it wrong that i was born this way? i'd like to blame it on someone for who i am sometimes... but i realize... i can only point fingers at myself. although i knw i hv to make myself who i wanna be and who im worth... but it gets tiring at times...

let me exist for a reason. pls... im tired of thinking to myself of being.. useless... unwanted... and just someone... tell me what went wrong? was it just a mistake since birth? will it still matter? who am i?

no matter what... i'll continue... to find a purpose, a way, a life. sometimes, guess it's better to get ur lazy ass off and just work hard urself... im not gonna fall any deeper... this is it.

it's no longer a matter of what you can do... just let me do everything

went for popper ben's private course today... =) and hey! i'm real glad i took up the class.. i mean... i think it's like learning not only the practical stuff but the theory of dance! =) and i'll loo forward to the further pracs from now...

anyway... i really wanna explore more in dance... i wanna see what i can do... till where i can go.. but in order to do that... guess i must sometimes start from scratch if i wanna reach the top... =) and whatever i do... i must enjoy ... =D yup.. i mean.. dun see the point in stressing urself out to do smt when u dun even enjoy it... lol...

and... ya, that's all i hv nw... OUT

i just realised how calm the struming of a guitar can make me... =) and it makes me think back so much... the lyrics we wrote... the chords u put together... the songs we sang and played... that was like so long ago.. but all the songs we wrote... i still rmb.. =)

the feeling of just enjoying a night of singing... where it's just solely the guitar... the lyrics and chords... and us... =) ah... those were the days... and MAN... i really really miss 'em... i sorta forgot the kinda joy that one can have when it's just the guitar... and the voice... =) loads of fooling arnd... jokes... and just plain harmony of the lead and backup... WHOO~~~ haha... (too bad i can't play the guitar well... i can't even sing my own songs properly without them)

i will keep doing what i like... i dun wanna completely forget what it felt like... just cos im dancing now... i wanna still stay in tact with... the bev last time =) and as long as these r things i like to do... =) im sure... i wont lose anything...

KO Night Finals today!!! haha... looking forward to a great show ya... =) final face-offs... dope showcases by dope judges... and even showcases by semi-finalists!!! whoa... just hope i dun get too bad a seat... hm...

anyway bev fell sick... AGAIN ... like what the heck lah with this non-stop nonsense... =( so gan kor! slp also can't slp well... wake up alr than can't go back to slp... funny arh -.- omg.. i SO hate being sick can?! sigh... super tiring... and like so not worth it with so many upcoming things... but... who else to blame but me-self? haha... slp that time dun dry hair... on aircon some more arh someone... -.- so ya... im to be blamed for my condition now... whooo~

oh well... things HAVE been happening lately... some i just wanna close my eyes and not bother on... some is just affecting me a lil bit too much... hm... i dunno how things came to become like this... and this time round... i really dunno what to do... and some things just bothering me til the brink of explosion... bev's mind is now in a monsoon season... all so mixed up... it's like.. other than what's happening.. there are so many other stuff too... but honestly right now.. those stuff are minor... and i dun hv to pay attention to them.. i just wanna let the monsoon wear down... and see nice weather again...

urgh... had enough with it... ok YOU left me since young... so dun come back all thinking u knw me all so well k? my living environment is not something that i can tell u and u can just understand like that... it's not as if u knw me well at all!

and pls dun make our relationship based on money.. i dun wanna go look to u just cos i wanna buy new stuff or whatever... u've nv contributed much since then.. and it's not gonna change!!! and i dun wanna like u just cos u pay for my stuff... i mean.. what kinda person u think i am?!

alright.. whatever it is.. i just wanna live my own life.. not the way u want me to live it... cos i've had it..! not showing up than suddenly appearing to advise me?! get a grip!

URGH... i'd like to say im f-ing pissed... but.. it's not worth it.. so whatever... OUT!

went to I.T. Fair on sat with fb peeps...! =) haha.. not so productive... but... yeah... took some pics... thx jas for using ur cam!!! =D haha.. i even got a chance to play with the cam at pastamania.. heh...

sometimes... won't u just wonder... "who the hell am i?" or... "what am i to this world?" like u wonder what's ur existence for... or what's ur contribution to this little but awesomely cruel world... hm... the ans is simple... u are what u make of it... and that's that...



so why the insecurity? why the questions after questions? all the repetitiveness about the same prob?



cos... it's in our nature... to NEED & to WANT someone else to reassure us of our status on this particular planet, in this particular lifetime... we all need to hear from others of the roles we play in their lives and that our existence DOES matter... (cos dun come telling me this dun matter to u of how impt u are in others' lives... cos i KNOW u care!)



guess that's why we live in a society... not on individual or independent basis... hm...



so... what am I in this world? =)