im caught in this dimension where i dunno how i shld behave to say, that's ME... that's the real me. i put up a cheerful side most of the times... but i dunno how to get about it... it's like... most of the time... im miserably thinking... and wondering... but all these are redundant as well... =.= cos it'll always be on my part... i'm like really quite hurt... and cant really get over it...

sometimes i'm even too tired to show that im ok on the outside... but i still always try my best... to nt let others wry or suspect sth's wrong wimme... and i realised... i'm sighing more often lately than i used to... why? oh well... cos that's just the way things are...

why is it that this is happening to me?
it's like unfair or something... =(
i wanna get a life.. i wanna get over... but a part of me seem to just wanna cling on

when is it? that's i'll cheer up again?

Labels: to feel but unable to express is the worst pain

haha.. had meeting with all the seniors AND ABOVE today! wow... like to see all of them! and seeing how fb has come down to such a big family... i suddenly feel so excited!!! yeah!!!

preparations are gonna start soon after club crawl!! ya man!!! can't wait!!! SUPER EXCITED... really anticipate this man!!! haha =D whoo~hoo!!! can't wait can't wait CAN'T WAIT!!! =P dope man this whole thing.. haha... suddenly feel like club crawl is of no importance.. haha... (ok lah.. i say for now, it feels like lah... cos everything just started =D) but of cos , now club crawl takes priority lah... =)

haha.. thinking of what i'm talking about??? heh heh.. stay tuned to whatever fb updates man!!! it's gonna be a BLAST!!! yeah!

Labels: FB = DOPE

wow... today was like SUPER packed for me... -.- im not like physically wiped out or anything... but man!!! i'm mentally drained! swiped! completely!!! this is my 1st experience of doing sth like that!!! whoo~~~ haha... ok... maybe after this... got more coming.. so bev,u gotta save up some energy!!! -.-

for now.. i'm nt sure if im doing a good enough job as what im supposed to do... im such a lousy person -.- sucks lah! i really hope im able to be stretched mentally till the extent i can last this one yr... cos i sorta foresee certain... sigh.. disagreement or unhappiness... sigh.... someone... give me some encouragement?

think ... this was really what i asked for... saying i wanted to be busy and all... haha... so.. ya, i got it... =) now i can dun wry about OTHER stuff... but yet .... sometimes... u just hv DIFFERENT things to wry about. but.. i'm glad i can escape other concerns for awhile.. dunno hw long i can keep it up though -.- sigh......

ok.. better get restin! ciao!

Labels: just too tired sometimes

had a bad dream ytd... sigh... and i was crying in my dreams... thk gdness i didnt actually woke up crying... -.- ok.. it didnt really affect me much at dance prac today... but i still will think about it... sigh... sucks.....

it just occurred to me that actually, it's gonna be really hard for me to get over it... really very very hard.. esp after the dream i had.. i realised that i'm not even near to be ready and letting it go... sigh... what am i gonna do with myself...? i dunno whether to hang on... or to let go.. both are difficult.. and i dunno what i want anymore... this sucks... -.-

but it hurts inside... a lot... to see things happening in front of u and u can't do anything about it.. u can't even show ur emotions... cos that will just screw things up..... it's just a very trapped feeling... not only trapped... but lost as well...

do i want things to be just this way?
or do i want more from it?
i dun think that can be controlled by me... not anymore...

Labels: to feel but unable to express is the worst pain

i've decided to let go... i've had enough. i think i've reached my limit. i feel so tired.

why do i keep holding on to sth i knw i won't get?
it's draining out every part of me.
and i'm sick of it

sure it'll hurt much to let go too... but it's just been so tiring to try to go on...

i knw i'm not keeping to my words... but it's already hurting so much... it's just gonna cause a bigger damage. heart and mind

im sorry. bev... i'm sorry. forgive me

smiles! perfect and expensive teeth! flaunt them! =D

gee and me!

finally went k-boxing after SOOO long!!! haha... feels so gd to sing ur heart out.. haha... i LOVE to sing... and of cos i LOVE to dance too!!! but i've been dancing everyday so i dun need to complain about nt dancing.. haha.. =D

and got to catch up with carmen, gee and yh (ida) lol... =) miss u guys lots...hope we can meet again soon! whoo~hoo!!! =P

i didn't even knw WHEN she took this pic!!! -.-
ya... and i SMILED for her!!! teeth showing and all...

i know i can keep myself busy while dancing and thinking about club crawl and all... but it seems like there will still be times where i'll be totally alone... and in that time... things just run through my mind... things that make me wanna cry..things that make me feel i'm getting emptier inside.

i know i should be like getting over it... that i should be stronger... but it's really SO hard to be strong when u're all by urself. than i'll be just thinking about what ELSE i can think of... but the deeper i look...feels more empty... no idea why either...

found ways i can drown myself from the confused state i'm in.. but those ways only last for a short time.. than later.. when i'm in my room, it all comes back again...

do i matter?
am i existent?
can i do without it?
am i brave enough to hold on?
can u see me?

hoping that all these will just clear away like the clouds blocking the sun from glowing.

hoping that all these would turn into tears. once shed, i'll be fine again.

hoping that i will wake up, knowing how i feel isn't real.

now like kinda tight with club crawl stuff... and think this is REALLY just the beginning... haha.. -.- and now.. like getting prepared for auditions like kovan superstar and s.t.a.r prog by echo... so... ya.. gotta like tackle... =)

and yeah! dance!!! whole of next wk.. cos at 1st, last wk also got dance... but i only went down for 3 days... so from tmr onwards.. it's full speed ahead! haha... =) i like that feeling.. being able to dance everyday... it MAY be tiring.. i dun deny.. but the feeling of the music going on... the ppl arnd me.. sharing stuff... choreographing tgt.. haha.. can't be any better... ya.. there ARE some probs and kinks here and there.. but all in all.. it's a good feeling! =D

so... bev, gotta work harder to achieve what u want yea? =)

dunno if i shld go swimming tmr before dance... haha. so long nv swim... =P miss it a lil.. cos i'm getting fairer again... haha.... =P so... maybe go swim swim a few laps before gg sch.. HEH HEH... =)

think lately, i've become too busy to worry about certain stuff... -.- ya... but once in a while i'll get reminded... which makes me... feel so stuffy inside... like dunno what to do or how to deal with it... sucks... but hopefully by next wk onwards... i'll get too busy to care about all these... sigh... =)

happy 300th anniversary!!! HAHA.. this is my 300th official post on my blog.. HAHA... =D

anyway... it was recently announced that i'll most likely be in the official committee in FB... it's partially confirmed.. partially waiting for the passing down.which i wish were later... =( sigh... nt only am i in the com... sigh.. i'll be pres... and i think it is quite obvious from the tagboard... yarh... -.- well.. cant say it's a thing to be too sad about... neither do i think i'm totally estatic abt it... haha.. yah.... well, i think by now, i'll accept it as it is... i wanna perform the best so i apologise nw if i still am nt gd at it.. but i'll learn and improve...

and i really think i'll need to depend on jasmine and yek peng alot... (my 2 vps!!!) yeah... they're the ones who remind me i'm nt alone i guess... i DO still think my emotions r abit wavery nw.. cos i really dunno if i suit this post and all... lots of doubts... cos i'll hv to lead fb into greater heights... so.. definitely the burden is there.. but i knw that 3 of us HAVE to stay strong!!! so i really seek everyone's understanding... for now... we AREN'T official yet... but we are in-training and soon-to-be..... so... JIAYOU!

sigh.. but i just wanna shout out to all those fb juniors (our batch) that any encouragement on my tagboard really helps lah... makes me knw that u all actually hv faith in me.. haha.. so i hope i dun let anyone down..esp our seniors.. phew~

ok... so.. that's it for nw... =) i must buck up .. yeah