i guess it's true that me in the night and me in the day are 2 totally different sides of me. don't ask why... but i'm scary at night. both are the real me.. but one is not so pleasant. to say the truth, i don't get myself at all... but sometimes... it can consume all of me.

a side of me believes im strong enough. knowing i'll get through this. but yet, there is another side.... so clearly saying that i'm on the brink of breaking down. it's useless to fight against it anymore.

i just hv one question. 'do i matter? at all?' i think i knw the answer... but why am i so reluctant to accept it? do i even think i hv that littlest of hope? that i do matter? that im cared for even for that one small bit? i hv no idea anymore.

i've tried to avoid. i've tried to inject anesthesia into my mind and heart to numb myself. i talked myself down... till i can get no lower. i've cut all hopes in my mental being till it bled from my eyes. am i now numb enough? can i now get over it? can i now be let go? i can't stand this torture any longer.

an unconcious me, still lures. smirking at the side who thinks i did it. showing off that i didn't actually accomplish what i think i did. it hurts. but, it's true...

i guess it's not easy. at all. that's why i'm going thru a mental torture. a tug-of-war. one side wanting so much to give it up, and the other, so reluctant to give in. which side will prevail? i'd like to find out too...